The Ones That Got Away
by Sogo
Summary: A compilation of plot bunnies that escaped soon after capture. Mostly ridiculous. Mostly Harry Potter. Rating may rise with later additions.
1. Volde the Cat

**I guess that for a while now I've wanted to start one of those collections of stories I've started but never really had the inspiration to go anywhere with. "The Ones That Got Away" is that collection. Enjoy the compilation of weirdness that spilled from my twisted, twisted mind. (Most will be longer than this first one.)**

 **If anyone wants to adopt these ideas, you are welcome to. All I ask is that you credit me for the prompt and drop me a PM when you post (because I'll want to read it too!). Other than that, this is all your playground.**

 **And I don't own anything.** _ **Obviously.**_

 **A while ago a friend of mine and I were discussing how we kind of wanted to write a story like this. Clearly, neither of us have ever done so. I've never been able to get past the first bit, myself. But I would really,** _ **really**_ **love to see someone else run with the idea.**

 _Avada Kedavra!_

Green.

Black.

Nothing.

 **-0-**

When I open my eyes, the first thing I notice is the house I had just been standing in is utterly destroyed, and a small part of me notes that the crib I had been leaning over has grown massively in size. But there isn't time to think about that. Instead, I have to focus on getting out of here as quickly as possible.

I turn to run and nearly stumble. I'm on all fours, but I can't seem to balance correctly on just two. That's okay, though, I seem to be able to move quite rapidly even on four legs.

I sprint down the stairs, through the ruins of the house, and out the door before I can really register what's happening. It isn't until I'm several blocks away that I finally take note of what exactly has occurred.

I am a cat.

A black cat.

A black _fuzzy_ cat.

...This may prove to be a slight hiccup in my plans to take over the wizarding world.

 **Basically Voldemort makes an accidental horcrux from the Potter's cat (which they apparently had, but it just sort of disappeared after Halloween). Bonus points for it being completely canon as Voldecat does his level best to rule the world… or at least force muggles to feed him and give him belly rubs.**

 **Until next time!**


	2. Harry Mario

**(I figured I'd post a couple ideas right away. Yay!)**

 **I have never seen this. But I really** _ **really**_ **want to.**

It happened when Harry was six. He was in the middle of cleaning the bathtub for the Dursleys when the drain opened up.

There was a whirl of colors, and the next thing he knew, he was standing in the middle of a forest.

With no clue as to how he'd gotten there.

Harry looked around at the brightly colored forest, not quite sure how to react. Yes, odd things may have happened around him on occasion, but really, this was far beyond him.

But he couldn't stay in the middle of this forest forever. There had to be someone around, right?

Glancing around, Harry chose a direction at random and set off. There had to be some…

A huge red and green plant snapped at him, sending Harry skittering several feet back with a sharp yelp. It towered over him, and Harry slowly took another step back.

What was he supposed to do? The plant looked terrifying! It was going to eat him!

"Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?!"

Harry looked over in surprise as a man emerged from the trees, glaring at the plant. The plant tried to nip at him, but the man spun gracefully out of the way, before launching into the air and landing heavily on the head of the plant.

The plant pulled back at the onslaught, shriveling into the patch of leaves it had emerged from.

"That's right! Attacking kids is hardly playing fair, and don't you forget it!"

Harry launched himself at the man, grabbing at his leg and shoving a tear filled face into his overalls. No one had ever stood up for him before, let alone rescued him.

"Er, kid, are you alright?"

Harry clung tighter.

The guy clearly had no idea how to react to a kid hanging on him and it showed. "Well, er, maybe you could… MARIO!"

It took a second for a second man to stumble out of the trees. He was slightly shorter than the first, but looked very similar.

"Luigi, what's going-is that a kid?"

The first man Harry was clinging to looked a little panicked. "He was being attacked by a piranha plant and now he won't let go!"

The second man moved closer to Harry. "Hey there, little one. What's your name?"

" 'M Harry," Harry mumbled, his voice muffled, as his face was mashed into his saviour's leg.

"Well, Harry, it's nice to meet you. My name is Mario, and that man you're clinging to so tightly is my brother, Luigi. Now, the place we're currently in has a lot of plants like the one he just chased off, and I was wondering if you might let go of his leg so we can all get to safety."

Harry looked up at the man who had saved him. He was really worried that he might run off, but the way the other man was talking… They would take him with them?

Slowly, he released his death grip on Luigi's leg.

"Great!" Mario exclaimed, before scooping Harry up and swinging him onto his back. "Now, let's get out of here!"

Harry was surprised by the sudden movement, but as he found himself sitting on the man's back in a piggy-back type position, a smile broke out on his face.

He was going with them! He didn't know where, but the men seemed nice, and the green one had even saved him!

The two men continued moving rapidly through the forest, leaping great gaps in the ground in a single jump, and easily scaling any trees in their path. Harry watched the two knock bizarre creatures that he'd never seen before aside as they moved through the forest like pros.

Finally, they reached the other side, and the man who'd been carrying him set him down before sitting down himself.

"So, Harry," he said. "What were you doing in a terrifying forest?"

Harry's happy feelings suddenly shut down. He didn't know how he'd gotten there, and was sure he'd done something freaky. What would these men do when they found out he was a freak?

The men seemed to sense his reluctance to answer.

"You know, we ended up in a forest not too unlike that one," Luigi began, trying to calm the boy. "It was through the pipes-never know where those things'll take you!"

"We were just plumbers," Mario chuckled in remembrance. "One moment we were clearing a clogged drain, the next, WHAM! Forest!"

"I was cleanin'" Harry said quietly, looking down.

"Ah, through the pipes, then?" Mario asked. "Don't worry about it. We'll get you all sorted soon enough. We have to rescue a princess, but when we return to her castle, we can see about getting you home."

Harry wasn't so sure about going home, but rescuing a princess sounded fun. Plus, he was with new friends! What was the worst that could happen?

 **-0-**

Approximately twenty minutes later, Harry found himself kidnapped by a spiky shelled turtle about the same size as he was with a massive paintbrush and some sort of hovering jar thing with a face on it.

 **-0-**

For some reason, (mostly the fact that he was still half convinced this entire thing was some sort of bizarre dream) Harry was less panicked by this than he probably should have been.

"Who are you, anyways?" the turtle asked after they'd reached a large castle quite a ways away.

"I'm Harry," Harry said. "Who are you?"

"I'm Bowser Junior," the boy introduced. "My daddy kidnapped Mama Peach, so I figured that I should kidnap someone else to be just like him!"

Harry scratched his head. "Er… okay. What happens now?"

"Now somebody comes to rescue you," Bowser Junior informed him. "You were with the Mario brothers, right? They're already on their way here to rescue Mama Peach, so they'll probably rescue you too."

"Oh," Harry said.

The two boys stared at each other for a long moment.

"What do we do until then?" Harry finally asked.

Bowser Junior scratched his head. "Well, I think my daddy usually puts Mama Peach in a cage, but that's just because she tries to run away."

"That doesn't sound very fun," Harry frowned. "If I don't try to run away, can I not go in a cage?"

"Okay," Bowser Junior agreed cheerfully. "But we do have some time before the Mario brothers get here. Let's play a game!"

Harry, never really having people to play games with before, thought that this sounded like an absolutely wonderful idea.

 **-0-**

It was several hours later that a rather beat up looking Mario and Luigi entered Bowser Junior's room with a blonde woman in a long pink dress and crown. They weren't really sure what they were expecting to see, but a hyperactive Koopa jumping up and down on the bed while holding one action figure while Harry pretended a second was flying around him was certainly not it.

"Aww…" Bowser Junior complained upon seeing Mario and Luigi. "I can't believe you're being rescued already!"

Harry looked a little disappointed too. "That's okay, BJ. Maybe you can kidnap me again some time."

"Okay!" Bowser Junior agreed cheerfully.

 **So Harry basically ends up living with Mario and Luigi (eventually in some sort of bizarre joint custody thing between Mushroom Kingdom and Sarasaland when the two get married) and being periodically "kidnapped" by Junior whenever Daddy kidnaps Peach. I have no idea** _ **how**_ **he ends up going to Hogwarts, but he does. And, of course, ridiculousness occurs, such as:**

 **Hammers:**

Harry stood behind Quirrell as the evil teacher muttered under his breath, pacing back and forth in front of the mirror.

But Harry was not idly waiting. No, his hand slowly slid upwards over his shoulder, as he quietly prayed to Grambi that the DADA teacher wouldn't notice.

He did.

"Potter, what are you-?"

That was about as far as he got before a hammer slammed into his face. Followed by another. And another. And another.

"I really love hammerspace," Harry sighed as he chucked another hammer. "I wonder how many hits I can get in before Hermione gets Dumbledore down here…?"

 **Harry the Pipe-Head:**

"What I'm curious about," Hermione said slowly, "is how Slytherin's monster is getting around. Nobody sees it at all, but there's nothing invisible that could also petrify people."

"The pipes," Harry said absently, flipping a page in his book.

Absolute silence.

After a moment, Harry looked up to see everyone staring at him in surprise. "What? It's fairly obvious. The plumbing goes everywhere in the castle, and that explains why I could hear the whatever-it-was through the walls. Pipes can get pretty massive, though, so I don't think we can use that to figure out the size or anything."

"You figured this out?!" Hermione cried. "Why didn't you say anything?!"

Harry scratched his head. "Well, I know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, and I figured that if I'd put it together, then you had too." He paused for a moment, frowning.

"Then again, most people aren't raised by a pair of plumbers-turned-monster-slayers-turned-royalty. And haven't been running around plumbing for nearly as long as they can remember." He grimaced. "Oops."

Hermione barely held back from slamming her head repeatedly into the table.

 **Followed by:**

"Well, I have to say this is one of the most ridiculously convoluted plumbing jobs I've ever seen, and I work in the Mushroom Kingdom," Mario said, squinting at the lines etched on parchment.

"This is worse than Peach's castle, and that's saying something," Luigi agreed. "But are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

"Gigantic pipes that serve no purpose whatsoever?" Mario asked, tapping a spot on the map detailing the Hogwarts plumbing.

"And they all converge in one spot," Luigi agreed, tapping another point. "Now all we have to do is figure out how to get there."

"Knowing magicals, there's probably some hugely complex manner to enter or some password at some point along these," Harry said thoughtfully. "That being said, it looks like we could blow our way in here." He gestured to a point on the map. "The wall is thin, and it would get us pretty close to where we want to go."

Mario ruffled Harry's hair. "That's my boy!"

 **Harry knows Koopa:**

It was the first task of the Tri-wizard Tournament.

Harry was in a state of shock as he exited the tent, clutching the mini-dragon he'd pulled from the bag. The number 4 around it's neck informed him that he would be fighting last, and everyone was salivating to see the Boy-Who-Lived go face to face with the huge dragon that was of a hitherto unknown species.

The only problem?

King Bowser Koopa was, to Harry's best knowledge, neither a dragon nor a nesting mother.

And when he found out just what everyone seemed to think he was, heads were going to roll.

Unfortunately, the Koopa in question (and how the heck had he gotten here, anyways?!) seemed to be enjoying hamming it up for the crowds, breathing fire into the air and roaring magnificently.

Harry took a deep breath and stepped forward.

Bowser turned to face the young challenger, drew in a deep breath, and _roared_.

It was loud, powerful, and caused the crowd to fall silent for a moment. Everyone was eager to see the boy's response.

What they weren't expecting? Harry to take a firm stance, draw in a deep breath, and roared right back.

Total silence now.

Bowser, taken aback, blinked before roaring again.

Harry responded with another roar.

There was a long pause.

And then Bowser started laughing.

"Kid," he said, through his chuckles, "your accent is _terrible_."

Harry shrugged and tapped his chest. "Sorry. Human's can't really get the right growls in the chest for fluent Koopa. And I only know a few phrases, anyhow."

Bowser grunted. "Well, can't really expect a Mushroom Kingdom brat raised by those blasted _Marios_ to know anything about a Darkland language. I was _wondering_ why you kept telling me you were lost."

"Like I said, only a few phrases," Harry said. "BJ tried to teach me more, but frankly, when I tested those out, everyone only laughed at me and wouldn't tell me what I said."

Bowser grinned at the memory. "That's right. I'd nearly forgotten." He flopped down into a sitting position. "So, how've you been? I haven't heard anything from you in a while."

"Oh, yeah, that'd be school," Harry explained, approaching to sit near him. "Really hard to get any info to the family, you know? But school's been good. How's BJ?"

"I think he's missing his favorite playmate," Bowser admitted. "It's funny, we said we would be happy to send someone to fight, but no one said I'd be fighting you."

"Yeah, I was informed I'd be fighting a female nesting dragon mother," Harry agreed.

There was a pause.

Then all hell broke loose.

And yeah, his "dads" may have had to step in to stop the carnage before anyone got hurt too badly, but it was _so_ worth it to see the looks on everyone's faces.

 **Harry can jump:**

"Have you seen Harry?" Hermione asked Ron.

"I last saw him headed outside," Ron frowned. "Thought he'd gone to practice Quidditch or something."

"I have this terrible feeling he's getting up to something," Hermione said as the two left the castle and headed in the direction of the Quidditch pitch. She squinted at it. "Hang on, it looks like there's a practice going on. Harry can't be there!"

"Then where can he be?" Ron wondered.

" _Bloody hell!_ "

Almost as if realizing something, and sort of resigned, the two turned around to see the student who'd shouted. Following his gaze upwards, they caught sight of a small figure running along the roof of the castle. As they watched, the figure flipped forward off of the roof of one of the towers to land on the main roof, before bounding across the roof in series of long leaps and backflipping upwards onto the roof of another tower.

"...Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" Ron asked Hermione.

"No," Hermione decided, watching Harry push off of that tower in a somersaulting feat that would make acrobats jealous.

"Me neither."

 **Not sure what all would happen or how Voldemort would end up dead, but it would probably be one heck of a journey.**

 **Until next time!**


	3. Pyjamas

**As much as I'd like to say I had no idea where this came from, it came to me when I was seriously sleep deprived at five in morning after working the graveyard shift.**

 **...It's still funny.**

Pyjamas the Terror

When the Dark Lord of Magical Britain came sweeping into the room, everyone shut up. That was what you did, after all. One didn't simply keep talking when a _dark lord_ was in the room, even if it was more a traditional rule than one actually enforced by their current lord.

So all conversation ceased as the Dark Lord took a seat at the head of the table.

He then proceeded to tilt his chair back and swing his feet up onto the table. "Guys, how many times to I have to tell you? You don't have to freeze up when I walk into the room!"

"Sorry, Harry," Luna said cheerfully. "It's traditional."

"A lot of things are traditional," Harry muttered, looking annoyed. "We should really do something about that."

"That's why we're here, mate," Ron reminded.

"I knew that," Harry said immediately.

"Harry, you shouldn't lean back your chair like that," Hermione warned. "You're going to tip over."

"I'll be fine," Harry dismissed. "Anyways, we're all here because of our weekly meeting. It's time to come up with our next plans to further our agenda of bringing Magical Britain into the twentieth century. I hereby call this meeting of Pyjamas the Terror and his inner circle of Bunny Stompers to order. Ginny, any news from the troops?"

"A few of the new recruits have raised complaints about our choice of footwear in battle," Ginny reported. "However, after several minutes of torture, it was determined that they simply have never tried to fight in pink bunny slippers before and unanimously decided that the footwear is actually surprising comfortable."

Harry pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ginny, what did I say about torturing our underlings?"

Ginny blinked innocently up at him. "Torture? Who said anything about torture?"

Harry turned his gaze to Neville.

"She used only the tickling hex," Neville explained. "I supervised."

"Ah," Harry said, nodding. "Ginny, what have I told you about the definition of torture?"

"I'm still not using the word right?" Ginny asked, looking disappointed.

"We'll work on it," Harry assured her. "Ron, what's the word in the ministry?"

"They're still clueless about what to do about you," Ron answered cheerfully. "They've decided that they all believe that prophecy full heartedly, and have decided that they clearly have to hide behind Tommy Riddle, as he's the only one who can vanquish you. Or something."

"Idiots," Harry said, shaking his head. "Are they still claiming I killed his parents?"

"They have given up on that," Ron informed him. "Now they're claiming that it was your ideology."

"I was not aware that ideology itself could kill anything," Luna mused. "How curious."

"Neither was I. Maybe you should bring that up in your next article," Harry suggested. "I'm sure that will make at least some people think."

"Doubtful, but it's worth a shot," Luna agreed.

"Now then, our double agent," Harry said, rubbing his hands as he turned to Hermione. "What's going on in Hogwarts?"

"I still remain unallowed to bring in any modern books," Hermione sniffed. "If I had known that running the Hogwarts Library would be so frustrating-"

"You would have gotten a job at the muggle one," everyone chorused. It was not the first time she'd expressed such a sentiment.

"What's the status of Tommy Riddle?" Harry asked, rolling his eyes.

"It has been leaked to the school that he can talk to snakes," Hermione told them. "The students are pulling away from him because it's a 'dark skill'."

Harry perked up. "Do you think he'd be open to recruitment?"

"Doubtful," Hermione reported. "I caught him using the term 'mudblood' again yesterday. It's unlikely he's in any mood to change sides."

"Disappointing," Harry sighed. "We'll have to come up with some convoluted plan to orchestrate his demise, then. Let's schedule it for the end of the school year, though. No need to upset his tests."

Hermione nodded approvingly.

"In the meantime, we'll continue our normal work," Harry went on. "Ginny, Neville, I want you to lead a raid on Knockturn Alley in three days. I'll leave the actual planning up to you. As always, keep casualties to a minimum. Stick mostly to spells that cause excessive embarrassment. And try to destroy Borgin and Burkes while you're at it. I never liked that place. They're still charging any half bloods who come in four times as much as purebloods, and muggleborns who make it to the shop have a habit of _disappearing_."

Ginny and Neville nodded solemnly.

"Ron, consult with your brothers to come up with an attack for the ministry, hopefully within the next month," Harry ordered. "Something blatantly muggle oriented, and nothing harmful."

"Get in, baffle, and get out," Ron summarized. "Got it."

"Luna, continue to write your articles," Harry told her. "More stories on the unfortunate lives led by muggleborn after Hogwarts, if possible. And stories about the wonders of muggle inventions. I suggest introducing the wonders of Coca-Cola."

"Aye-aye, Chief," Luna agreed, saluting.

"And Hermione, you continue to be the prickly and unapproachable librarian," Harry finished.

"I hate the job and I hate you," Hermione told him.

"Love you too," Harry agreed. "Any other orders of business?"

"I'm working on potentially implementing a literacy program for house elves," Hermione said.

"Go ahead," Harry told her, leaning back a little further. "If there are no other orders of business, I was thinking I'd pop down to Diagon today and turn all the buildings florescent rainbow, if anyone wants to join me."

"I'm not doing anything," Neville offered.

"Me neither," Ginny piped up.

"Eh, why not?" Ron agreed.

"Excellent," Harry said cheerfully. "Meeting adjourned, then. Those coming with me get dressed and meet back here in ten minutes."

Harry swung his feet off the table, but hadn't leaned back forward, and doing so caused his chair to fall backwards and knocked him to the floor.

"...Ow."

"Told you so," Hermione said smugly.

"I deserved that," Harry admitted.

"You know, all we'd have to do to get rid of most of the 'dark' traditions is introduce people to Harry?" Luna asked Neville as they left the room.

"Maybe," Neville allowed. "But most people are stupid. They'd probably just think it was a trap."

 **It is a trap. A fiendish trap aimed at your sanity! Mwa ha ha!**

 **So, yeah. This was supposed to be a lovely little role reversal in which Pyjamas and his fanatically loyal Bunny Stompers (identified by the bright pink slippers they wear into battle) plot the demise of his arch enemy, little Tommy Riddle. It didn't quite turn out that way, but I like it nonetheless.**

 **Until next time!**


	4. Nick of Time

**A short and sweet one this time. Because why not?**

"So, which classes have you decided to drop?" Harry asked Hermione.

"Drop?" Hermione asked in surprise. "Why would I drop any of my classes?"

Harry frowned. "Because you've been short tempered and tired all year from taking all the classes you could? I mean, I know you dropped divinations, but-"

"Honestly, Harry, why would I want to drop any of my classes?" Hermione said, shaking her head. "I love Runes and Arithmancy, and Care of Magical Creatures is always interesting (plus it would break Hagrid's heart if I dropped out). As for Muggle Studies, I've been compiling a list of inaccuracies, and I don't want to stop before I'm done."

"But Hermione," Harry tried again.

"Plus, this way I can keep the time turner," Hermione added.

Harry froze. "You are a certifiable genius."

Hermione smiled smugly. "I know."

-0-

Four years later, Harry would curse himself for agreeing that Hermione's idea was great. A stray curse from a snatcher as they ran through the forest sent her to the ground. She had time to blink in surprise before she was gone.

Harry bellowed wordlessly, turning on the snatchers, bearing his wand. He incapacitated three before one of the remaining ones got him with an _incarcerous_.

He struggled to get free, finally going limp as he realized he was trapped. And Hermione was gone. She was gone, and it was all his fault.

He heard footsteps and laughter as the snatchers approached, but he was too busy wallowing in self pity to pay much attention to them. Instead, he lay there morosely, thinking that if he'd just been a little faster…

That was the moment a dark form leapt over him and attacked the nearest snatcher.

The snatchers were yelping, running, and cursing as several more dark beasts attacked, finally driving them away. A second later, Harry felt his ropes loosening, and he looked up in surprise at his savior.

"...Professor McGonagall?"

"It's good to see you, Mr. Potter," she said with a smile, untransfiguring the large panthers that had attacked the snatchers. "But you can just call me Hermione."

 **Alternatively, Hermione jumps back in time and becomes Madame Pomfrey, who takes on the Death Eaters with a collection of truly horrific medical spells.**

 **Alternatively alternatively, Hermione becomes Irma Pince, and destroys the Death Eaters with spells learned by spending a lifetime in the restricted section.**

 **(Because, let's face it, that would be awesome. And the power the Dark Lord knows not is an angry Hermione Granger. Sounds legit.)**

 **Until next time!**


	5. Harry Underpants

**I regret nothing.** _ **Nothing**_ **.**

 **And, just to clarify, I have absolutely no idea where this came from. But even when I'm rereading it, it still cracks me up.**

This is George, Harold, and Harry. George is the one on the left with the tie and the flat top. Harold is the one on the right with the t shirt and the bad hair cut. Harry is the screaming one holding onto the cape of the flying guy in his underpants. Remember that, now.

At this point, you're probably wondering how this whole thing came to be. That's an excellent question, because you've probably heard that Harry is supposed to be in England, where, in about a year and a half, he'll be receiving a letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and from then on learn magic and make friends and have all sorts of exciting experiences that eventually culminate in a battle far too graphic to describe in a G-rated novel.

And, indeed, that probably _would_ have happened, if not for one little difficulty.

 **-0-**

If you remember, at the end of George and Harold's twelfth epic novel (an incredible adventure involving time travel, three different versions of themselves, and a trio of half pterodactyl half bionic hamster hybrids and culminating in the amazing Captain Underpants both losing his powers and reverting back to his alter ego-permanently), George and Harold sadly said goodbye to Yesterday George and Yesterday Harold, dropped Old George and Old Harold off in their own time, and decided to go travelling through time and space in Melvin Sneedley's glow-in-the-dark time machine Robo-Squid, the three aforementioned pterodactyl/bionic hamster hybrids in tow.

The exact circumstances leading to this unusual situation were very complicated and amusing and took twelve novels to document (and let's face it, number nine was twice the size of all the others and probably should be counted as two on its own), but if you're reading this, you probably know all of that already. The point being that George and Harold were now hurtling through time and space with no real idea of what they were doing (not that they ever did).

And it is here that something happened that would alter everything they ever knew… (well, at least for the past couple months or so)

But before I can tell you that story, I have to tell you _this_ story.

 **-0-**

Petunia Dursley was a highly unpleasant woman by pretty much everyone's standards. She was nosey, obnoxious, and looked rather like an ostrich when she was spying on her neighbors, which happened to be her favorite pastime.

She also very much disliked anything she deemed "unnatural", a term she applied to magic, her nephew, and any of the neighborhood cats (which meant there were quite a lot of things she deemed unnatural, and therefore, disliked). Her aversion to the "unnatural" actually stemmed from a deep seated jealousy of her sister, who had the audacity to be born magical while she wasn't.

Her son, Dudley Dursley, was just as unpleasant. He was a textbook bully, and enjoyed beating up his cousin and other kids younger than him for lunch money and fun. He was also doted on by both his parents, which only added to his sense of entitlement and general unpleasant demeanor. He was very heavily set, and was often compared in appearance to a large hog.

Her husband, Vernon Dursley, was, if possible, even more unpleasant. He hated everything his wife did. There was no emotional backstory for him. He was just a jerk.

Their nephew Harry was scrawny with messy black hair, green eyes, and a lightning bolt scar he hadn't learned to completely hate yet. He was very nice, but didn't have any friends because Dudley liked to beat kids who talked to him up. He lived in the cupboard under the stairs.

Also, he was a wizard. But he didn't know that yet.

 **-0-**

One day, Petunia was looking out at her garden. Harry did most of the gardening because she was an awful and sort of lazy person, but she considered it her garden because she was the one to decide what went in it and where.

While she was looking, George and Harold appeared in the time travelling squid suit, still holding on to their pets.

"Oops," George said, looking around. "That's not right."

"Did you press the right button?" Harold asked.

"I think I-Oh, here it is." With that, George pressed the correct button and they all vanished into thin air.

Petunia stared. Two _very unnatural_ boys with _very unnatural_ companions had just _very unnaturally_ appeared in the middle of her garden in a _very unnatural_ manner.

For a moment, she thought she'd been imagining the _very unnatural_ occurrence.

And then she realized that the _very unnatural_ occurrence had flattened her tulips.

"Vernon!" Petunia shrieked. "We're moving!"

 **-0-**

Two weeks later, nine and a half year old Harry Potter found himself in a new class in a new school, sitting next to ten year old George Beard and nine and three quarters year old Harold Hutchins. He would later regard it as one of the best things to ever happen to him.

 **For the record, I'm not entirely sure where this would go, but I have no doubt it would be really funny. And likely anything I come up with is not as funny as whatever you're currently imagining. Though, seriously, if anyone wants to run with this idea, they're more than welcome to.**

 **I should also clarify that Harry ended up with a George and Harold who have not yet hypnotized Mr. Krupp- in accidently interacting with his aunt, the future George and Harold have pretty much completely demolished the time stream (again). History gets rewritten in the most amusing way possible.**

 **Past that, I got nothing. Nothing but Omakes:**

 _ **Logic Has No Home Here:**_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed George.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Harold.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Harry.

Then the two robots baring down on them unexpectedly exploded.

"AAA- huh?" George stopped screaming. "What just happened?"

"Did those robots just spontaneously explode?" Harold asked. "How does that make sense?"

"Guys, we are running after our school principal who's currently stripped to his underwear and convinced he's a superhero. He's attempting to face off against a guy in a diaper who wants to blow up the moon. In what _possible_ universe does _any_ of this make any sense?" Harry argued.

There was a long pause.

"Good point," George agreed.

 _ **Time Travel Rookies:**_

"Really bad things have happened to people who try and meet themselves when travelling in time," Hermione warned.

"What?" Harry demanded. "Since _when_?"

"Yeah, we met a guy who literally carried around two smaller versions of himself in his pocket," Harold agreed. "From alternate timelines."

"And then he blew up and kick started the universe," George added.

"And the dinosaurs," Harry added. "He blew up and killed all the dinosaurs."

"And there was that ice age thing," Harold put in. "Remember that? Ooh, and George and I were communicating with cave people through comics?"

"I had totally forgotten the comic thing!" Harry cheered. "That was so awesome!"

"Speaking of time travel, did we ever figure out what happened to our future selves?" George wondered. "I mean, they were there one day, and then there was the thing with Mr. Meaner, and how did that get solved, anyways?"

The other two shrugged.

"What is the _matter_ with you three?" Hermione demanded.

 _ **Been There, Done That:**_

"So you see, Harry, Voldemort wants to kill you," Dumbledore finished gravely.

"Okay," Harry agreed calmly.

"But don't you get it?" Dumbledore pressed. "He wants to _kill_ you, Harry."

"Okay," Harry said again.

"I don't think you're quite getting this," Dumbledore said. "Harry, Voldemort wants to kill _you_."

"Okay," Harry repeated. "Got it. Voldemort wants to kill me."

There was a pause.

"You're taking this very calmly," Dumbledore observed.

"Well, after you've had a dozen or so psychos after you, it doesn't seem so bad," Harry said with a shrug. "Besides, it all falls into the same pattern, anyways. Bad guy has evil plan, evil plan gets foiled, bad guy tries to kill you, you get creative, bad guy gets beat up by superhero wearing nothing but underpants and a cape," Harry listed cheerfully.

"Okay," Dumbledore agreed, nodding. "...Wait, _what_?"

 **I have no clue if George and Harold would end up wizards, but I could totally see it.**

 **One other potential idea… (Though I have** _ **no clue**_ **how it would come about…)**

"Harry, why are you standing in the middle of the hallway in your underwear?" Hermione asked.

"I have no idea who this Harry you speak of is," Harry declared, taking a heroic pose. "I am Tighty Whitey, the Waistband Warrior, a title last held by Captain Underpants, until his… abrupt retirement."

"Captain Who?" Hermione asked.

"My predecessor, Captain Underpants!" Harry said in a very heroic voice. "Defeater of the diabolical Dr. Diper, the tyrannical Turbo Toilet, the pestiferous Professor Poopypants, the wicked Wedgie Woman, the terrifying Tippy Tinkletrousers, and the sickening Sir Stinks-a-lot… among others."

"...That is a very impressive list," Hermione said slowly. "But it still sounds like something out of a ridiculously juvenile children's book series. And it doesn't explain you standing in the middle of the hallway in your underwear."

"I am preparing to start my heroing by vanquishing the vile, vicious Voldemort," Harry answered, striking a new heroic pose.

"Well, you certainly have the alliteration down," Hermione mumbled. "But don't you think it's kind of obvious who you are?"

"Is it?" Harry questioned.

"Hey, is that Tighty Whitey, the new Waistband Warrior?" Ron asked excitedly, running down the hall. "The superhero planning to defeat You-Know-Who?"

"I am indeed, citizen," Harry said, sounding very heroic. "It's very nice of you to recognize me."

"Ron, it's Harry," Hermione said, looking exasperated. "It's just Harry in his underwear, wearing a cape."

"Don't be ridiculous, Hermione," Ron said, waving her off. "Everyone knows Harry would never been seen running around in his underwear."

 **-0-**

Elsewhere:

"Wormtail! Find me information on this "Tighty Whitey" who dares to challenge me!"

"Master, a few muggleborns I've spied on are under the impression he's actually Harry Potter in disguise."

"Clearly, that proves their inferior breeding. Potter would never run around in his underwear! _Crucio_!"

 **I can just imagine that all the purebloods are completely convinced he's a different person, and the muggleborns all think it's totally obvious and find the whole thing hilarious.**

 **And if George and Harold were there and helping him come up with it…:**

"Now that I have superpowers, I was thinking I needed a new superhero identity to help me combat Voldemort," Harry explained. "What do you think?"

"Well, what do _you_ think?" Harold asked.

"I was going to go with Boxer Boy, but then I remembered where I'd heard the name before and threw up in my mouth a little," Harry replied.

The other two took a second to remember _that_ little scenario before George threw his hands over his eyes. "My eyes!"

"My brain!" Harold cried, holding his hands to his temple.

"Which is why I will _not_ be using that name," Harry finished. "But you guys are really creative. Any ideas?"

George and Harold exchanged glances.

"I think we have _just_ the thing," Harold said, holding out a comic.

"Tighty Whitey?" Harry read aloud. "The Waistband Warrior? Inheritor of the Legacy of Captain Underpants?"

"You like?" Harold asked eagerly.

"I love!" Harry cheered. "Being the legacy of Captain Underpants, inheriting his powers, and his comics? That's so awesome!"

"I just wanted to point out that you don't necessarily have to have an underwear based superhero identity," George said.

Harry and Harold both stared at him.

"Not _underwear_ based?" Harry asked at the same Harold questioned, " _Not_ underwear based?"

"I'm just saying," George said with a shrug. "Though obviously, underwear based superheroes are clearly superior to all others."

" _Clearly_ ," Harold agreed.

"Tighty Whitey," Harry grinned. "This is the best day ever!"

 **I really have no idea. But I want to see it.**

 **Until next time!**


	6. Hermione's Help Hunting Horcruxes

**Another crossover. These things just won't get out of my head!**

 **SDMI verse, for those of you who know what that is. For those who don't, an explanation is included below.**

Hermione Granger considered her options.

Her parent's memories had been wiped, and they were already on their way to Australia. It was time to start preparing for the Horcrux hunt in earnest.

The only problem was that they had no ideas on where to find the horcruxes, or what they were.

What they needed was a deep thinker. Someone who knew what they were doing, who could solve this mystery. Because while the three of them may have solved some mysteries in the past, it was more due to luck and stumbling around than anything else.

No, what they needed was…

Hermione's head snapped up. She knew _just_ who to call.

-0-

"You know, when you said you wanted to test a new brilliant trap design, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind."

Velma's flat stare and voice made even the ever oblivious Fred wince. "Sorry, Velma. I think the… er… ending needs a bit of work."

"You think?"

The girl in question was currently suspended upside down, wrapped in ropes that crisscrossed her body with no rhyme or reason. One arm was tied at her side, while the other was wrenched in an uncomfortable sideways position.

"Better get her out of there, Freddie," Daphne called from where she was reading a fashion magazine. "Before she gets angry. You won't like her when she's angry."

"Oh, hardy-har- AGH!"

Fred had pulled one of the ropes, collapsing the entire bunch and sending Velma crashing to the ground. "Uh… Whoops?"

Velma just glared at him. "I can't believe you can do that in a few seconds, yet it takes you three hours to untangle a few strands of Christmas lights."

"That's completely different!" Fred protested.

"It's really not."

That was when the phone in Velma's pocket rang, cutting off the rest of the no doubt humorous argument.

"Hello, Velma Dinkley of Mystery Incorporated. What ridiculous or impossible creature is attacking your town, and where can we find it?"

" _Velma!_ " came the voice on the other line. " _It's Hermione._ "

Velma blinked as she pushed herself up. "Hermione? Is something up?"

" _Well, I heard about your cross-country trip on your way to college, and I happen to be in the states. I was hoping we could meet up at some point. Where are you now?_ "

"It's er…" Velma temporarily blanked. They had been a lot of places. She covered the mouthpiece and glanced at Fred. "Where are we?"

Fred shrugged and looked to Daphne.

"Southern Illinois," Daphne said without looking up. "Little town in the middle of nowhere called Blackwood Falls."

"Blackwood Falls, Illinois," Velma told Hermione.

" _That's mad! I'm only a few minutes away from there myself! Do you want to have dinner?_ "

"Alright, why not?" Velma agreed. "I can meet you in the middle of town, and we can walk to wherever. I'm pretty sure I can get the name of a good restaurant from my friends."

" _That sounds good. I'll see you then._ "

Velma hung up with a quick, "Bye".

"Who was that?" Fred asked.

"My cousin, from England," Velma explained. "The one I told you guys about, Hermione Granger?"

Daphne looked up from her magazine at that. "The one who…?"

"Yep. I'd keep your phones on. I have a pretty good guess at what she wants."

Daphne frowned as she glanced at Fred. "Maybe we should go out to eat as well."

"Ooh, that sounds like fun!" Fred agreed. "We should see if Velma's cousin wants to come too! I'd love to talk to her about the traps-"

Daphne cleared her throat. "Freddie, darling, that's not really what I meant."

Fred looked lost.

Velma gave her a look that clearly said " _He's your boyfriend, you figure it out_."

That was the moment the back of the van opened, allowing Shaggy and Scooby in, each with a large armful of food.

"Like, hey guys!" Shaggy greeted. "Scoob and I found this great little diner just down the street!"

"Rat's right!" Scooby agreed, holding up a massive sandwich.

"Sounds good to me," Velma sighed. "Daphne, try and explain to the others what's going on. You may have to use small words."

She pushed past Shaggy and Scooby to stride down the street towards the center of town.

"Like, what's with her?" Shaggy asked.

Scooby shrugged.

"She got a call from her cousin," Daphne said slowly. "Her _English_ cousin."

There was a long pause.

"Ooh, boy," Shaggy sighed. "This isn't gonna be good, is it."

Fred scratched his head. "I don't get it."

Not for the first time, Daphne felt like banging her head against the wall when it came to the sheer obliviousness of her boyfriend.

-0-

Velma waited in the center of the small park that sat in the very middle of town. There was a pretty little fountain with a statue of some person who had probably founded the town or something else important, and she sat on the edge of it as she waited for her cousin.

She scanned the area, looking closely for the slightly younger woman, before she finally noticed a bushy brown head making its way towards her.

Velma's eyes narrowed. "Just a few minutes away my foot," she muttered. There was no way her cousin would be out here without a vehicle of some sort.

Then she plastered on a false smile. "Hermione! Over here!"

"Velma!" Hermione greeted, running to meet her cousin in a tight hug. "It's great to see you! It's been forever!"

"It's great to see you, too!" Velma replied just as cheerfully. "Listen, Shaggy told me about a great diner not too far from here. Is that alright?"

"That sounds just perfect," Hermione assured. "Lead the way."

The two headed for the diner, chatting about whatever inane thing popped up in their heads, without discussing anything of real depth. It wasn't until they had sat down in the diner and gotten their food that Hermione got serious.

"Velma, I have to tell you something important."

"What is it?"

"I… I'm a witch."

There was a long pause. Hermione was clearly waiting for her incredibly logical cousin to protest, but Velma just sat there.

"Okay, you wouldn't be telling me this if something wasn't seriously wrong. What's going on?"

Hermione's mouth fell open. "What… but you… magic?"

Velma snorted. "My, I've known about your magic for longer than you have. Magic runs in families, you know. I'm a first generation witch too, attending the Massachusetts Institute for Magic and Technomancy by a correspondence course, so I can keep up on my scientific studies. I'm two years ahead of you, so I graduated last year."

"But…" Hermione began. "You knew that I was a witch?"

"Not for sure, but I remembered that we used to compare odd occurrences that happened around us. When your parents said that you were attending an elite boarding school in Scotland, I was pretty confident it was Hogwarts. And everyone heard about the craziness you and your friends got into. Everything was confirmed in the papers. Just because Backwards Britain doesn't report on international news doesn't mean that none of the other magical communities do."

Velma leaned forward, pressing her advantage. "Now, why don't you tell me just what is going on over there that you'd seek out your probably muggle cousin to confess your magic to?"

Hermione visibly deflated. "Sometimes I forget that you were smarter than me. But I guess that's why you're the detective, eh?"

"It helps that I am older than you," Velma pointed out dryly.

"I suppose so." Hermione sighed. "I guess you could say that over there, war has broken out. V- _Voldemort_ has all but taken over, and it's only a matter of time. I've sent Mum and Dad to Australia while we try and end it, but… there's a problem."

She sighed again. "My friend Harry is prophesized to defeat him, but first we have to get rid of these things called _horcruxes_."

Velma's reaction was not something Hermione had expected. She visibly flinched back. "What?! Don't tell me that bastard- Oh dear God, please tell me that wasn't plural."

Hermione nodded slowly. "From what we understand, he was obsessed with the number seven. The problem is that we're not sure what he used to make the things or where he hid them."

Velma actually buried her face in her hands. "So you came to your mystery solving cousin hoping I could point you in the right direction."

"That's right," Hermione agreed. "I have some information about his formative years you could look over-" She was digging in her bag when Velma held up a hand.

"Wait one moment. There's something you need to be aware of."

Hermione glanced up in confusion. "What is it?"

"This."

Velma raised her hand and made a quick motion. Immediately, a table of four across the diner rose, carrying their food, and crossed to where the two sat.

"You may have came wanting my help, but if you want one of us, you get all of us," Velma said firmly.

"That's right," Fred agreed. "We're a team."

"A packaged deal," Daphne echoed.

"We stick together," Shaggy added.

"Uh-huh!" Scooby finished, setting his plate down and sliding in next to Velma. "So, what's going on?"

"Hermione needs our help fighting that magical war in Britain," Velma explained.

"Like, seriously?" Shaggy asked. "Maybe I spoke too soon…"

Velma, Fred, and Daphne all glared at him.

Shaggy sighed. "Scoob, why are we friends with people who constantly drag us into terrifying situations?"

"Because we're idiots?" Scooby suggested.

"Oh. Right."

-0-

"So your entire mystery solving… group is aware of magic?" Hermione asked. "I thought it was illegal to tell people."

"Actually, we've all known about magic pretty much our whole lives," Fred answered. "My parents are both erm… what's the word?"

"Squibs," Velma answered. "That's what they're called in Britain."

Daphne shuddered. "Sounds awful."

"So I grew up hearing stories about magic," Fred concluded.

"Plus, the ex-mayor Jones was a wizard," Shaggy muttered, before wincing at Velma's glare. "I mean, there's a wizard who's the principal at our school who Fred's pretty close to!"

"My family is Wiccan," Daphne put in. "All the females are part of a coven, which is different from your magic, but we're still well aware of the magical world."

"My family's actually from an old pureblood line," Shaggy added. "Though I don't personally have magic. Scooby _did_ , until he was in a magical accident that turned him into a dog."

"Really?" Hermione asked curiously. "That sounds fascinating."

"Of course, none of us knew any of the others knew about magic until a few months ago when Velma snapped at us that she was sick of us all pretending to be clueless when we were chasing down an actual werewolf," Daphne reminisced. "It was actually pretty funny."

"It wasn't that hard to figure out," Velma smirked. "I'd read about the Blake coven, and can put two and two together. I'd seen a few things Fred had that defied the laws of physics. And _no_ normal family names their kid _Norville_."

"Though she didn't know about Scooby until we told her," Shaggy added cheerfully. "It was one of the few times we've seen her surprised."

"I'll say!" Fred laughed. "The last time I saw her _that_ confused was in the Red Room with the Annunaki!"

"The what?" Hermione asked, confused.

" _Not_ important, just a past case," Velma lied quickly, glaring at Fred, who looked suitably chastised. "Anyways, you said you had information on Voldemort's formative years for us to look at?"

Hermione pulled several thick files from her small beaded bag- files far too large to normally fit.

"This is going to be a tough one," Velma commented, scanning the first few pages. "Gang, what do you say to visiting Britain to try and put an end to this?"

"I think it doesn't really matter what we think, since we'll be going anyways," Shaggy said dryly.

"Reah, witches and wizards are _scary_ ," Scooby added with a shudder.

"Oh, come on, guys," Fred protested. "I've always wanted to try trapping magic people! They'd probably get out of an ordinary trap, but maybe if I…" He trailed off into mutters.

"I do love Europe," Daphne mused. "Okay, but only if we get to visit a good shopping center while we're there!"

"I'll give Professor Ellison a call then, and see if he can't defer our acceptance into Miskatonic," Velma decided, pulling out her cell phone. "I'm not sure how long this will take."

"In the meantime, we'll show your cousin our transportation," Daphne suggested. "After all, we can't go without the Mystery Machine."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Hermione cautioned. "We'll be on the run, and I'm not sure that your van will be very good at getting away from pursuers."

To her surprise, everyone else laughed.

"Don't worry, My," Velma said with a grin. "I think you'll find the Mystery Machine has a few tricks up her sleeve…"

-0-

Hermione stared. And stared. And stared.

"Welcome to the Mystery Machine," Fred said cheerfully.

"What the…?!"

"We've each added our own little touches," Daphne said, swinging her arms out. "Velma and I expanded the space in the back exponentially. Freddie added his traps and trapping things everywhere, and Shaggy and Scooby got their hands on an expanded ever-fresh refrigerator."

"That's… pretty impressive," Hermione agreed. The back of the van had been turned into something more resembling a mansion, with three floors and multiple bedrooms.

"It should fit all of us and your friends," Shaggy added. "And as for transportation…"

"Let me show you the front," Daphne explained, exiting the back of the van. "It used to be all connected, but we separated it when we added the expansion charms."

She led Hermione to the front and opened the driver side door.

"Fred's got over a dozen little surprises for anyone who tries to chase us here." She pointed at a series of buttons along the cabin. "He likes his traps, in case you couldn't tell."

"I had no idea," Hermione deadpanned.

"But the really neat thing is right here," Daphne added, pointing to the red stone that had been set in the dashboard behind a glass panel. It had what looked to be electrodes pressed on at several points. "This is Velma's little brain child, and what apparently won her some important award in a technomancy fair. Don't ask me which one, Wiccan magic doesn't look much at the scientific side of magic. It's called a warpstone, and is basically a rechargeable portkey that can take you wherever you need. All that's required is for a witch or wizard to lay a hand on it and focus on where they want to go. So Velma and I can use it, but Shaggy and Fred can't."

"Can Scooby?" Hermione asked, fascinated.

"He can't charge it, but he can activate it. It's a bit of an oddity."

"This is really incredible!" Hermione gushed, running a hand over the dash board. "I was hoping to get some help, but this is really beyond what I was expecting!"

"Well, I can't turn away my favorite cousin, can I?" Velma asked, coming up behind them. "Professor Ellison got the whole thing squared away with the dean. We're clear for a trip to England." She glanced at Hermione. "Now, you said you had some papers on this dark lord's background?"

 **I actually really like this one. I'm thinking I'll continue it, but we'll see.**

 **For those who don't know, SDMI stands for "Scooby-Doo Mystery Incorporated". It is arguably the best incarnation of Scooby Doo ever created. It is dark, it is creepy, it has an over arching plot, character growth, and is NOT FOR CHILDREN, despite the Y7 rating. People die. I am not joking here. My favorite character actually got _mowed down by machine gun wielding robots_ in one of the last episodes. The humor is dark, the gang is shockingly competent, and everyone's become very human, with very human flaws. It's excellent. I highly recommend it.**

 **I used this version of the characters because I can't really see the original Scooby gang diving into a war. The SDMI version could and would kill people. Seriously. They would also probably be an enormous help to Harry, as they're all extraordinarily paranoid and probably already have PTSD.**

 **I have never seen a crossover like this. I probably never will. Which is really too bad, because if done right, it could be _awesome._**

 **Until next time!**


	7. Harry Gadget

**This is probably not going anywhere, so let's dump it here! ...It was fun to write anyways...**

When Harry woke up, the first thing he was aware of was that his head hurt.

He groaned, raising a hand to clutch at his head, as he slowly opened his eyes to see a red head with a face obscured by thick glasses leaning over him.

"Oh, you're alive?" the man asked excitedly, before straightening and throwing his arms into the air. "HE'S ALIVE!" And he immediately broke out into a bizarre sort of jig.

Harry blinked. "What?"

"They said it couldn't be done! That the secret had died with my father! But I've never been the sort to take no for an answer, and you, my boy, you…" he trailed off, as though realizing something. "What's your name?"

"Harry."

"And you, Harry, have been the one chosen to benefit from my utter genius!"

Harry was by this point completely and utterly lost. "Er… sorry, what?"

The excited man halted in his dancing to pull a chair over to the bed Harry was laying in. "Tell me, Harry, what do you last remember?"

Harry cast his mind back, trying to remember that morning… only to discover nothing. He had no idea who he was. Just that his name was Harry, and apparently this odd man was chattering rapidly at him. "I don't know. I don't think I remember anything, really."

The man nodded solemnly. "Oh, yes, that would be the accident. Let me try to explain." He paused a moment, as though searching for words. "Well, I suppose this story really starts a couple decades ago, with a police officer that was injured in the line of duty. He was almost dead when my father found him in the hospital, and fixed him up."

"Fixed him up?" Harry repeated, finding the word choice odd.

"That's right," the man agreed. "Fixed him up with machine parts, creating the world's first human-robot hybrid! A cyborg, if you will! Who, at a simple vocal command could summon any one of hundreds of gadgets hidden within his body! He was one of the best agents HQ could hope for-the incredible Inspector Gadget!"

Harry blinked again. "Hang on, what does that have to do-?"

"I'm getting to that!" the excitable man protested. "You see, Gadget has faced hundreds of villains, most working for a secretive organization called MAD. There's a bit of a debate on what the M-A-D actually stand for, but that's not really important. This agency is led by the notorious Dr. Claw, an evil man with evil aspirations. Today, Claw launched another attack, which, despite being stopped, led to a rather nasty car accident."

"Oh," Harry said, still wondering where exactly this was going.

"You see, Harry, you nearly died in that accident," the man continued seriously. "You would have died if Inspector Gadget hadn't found you in the wreckage and raced you back to HQ as fast as he could-and that's quite fast, you understand. See, despite some injuries on more difficult missions, Gadget has never actually had anyone lose a life, not even a villain. And your death could very well break him. So… I put you back together, using my father's notes!"

Harry froze. "You mean…"

"Congratulations!" the man cheered. "You're a cyborg!"

...Well, this would certainly be interesting.

 **-0-**

"Hi, I'm Penny," the blonde girl greeted him. She looked several years older than he, perhaps twelve or so. "You must be Harry."

Harry nodded slowly. He was still getting used to his new body, so it came as a bit of a surprise when his hand stretched several feet out of his arm to shake her's.

To his surprise, Penny just giggled. "Oh, don't worry. You get used to it."

Harry cocked his head. "You're not… surprised? Disgusted?"

"Of course not!" she protested. "You'll find most people around here wouldn't be. They're all used to Uncle Gadget by now. And I grew up with him, so it'd be a little odd for me to be disgusted at something little like that."

Harry briefly wondered at the fact that she would dismiss having about eighty percent of one's body replaced by machine as "something little". "Er, thanks."

"Actually, I think my Uncle really wants to meet you," she continued. "I just came ahead to warn you that he can be a little… excitable?"

"Like the scientist who helped me?" Harry asked.

"You mean Professor Von Slickstein?" Penny asked. "No, not quite. Maybe excitable isn't quite the right word…"

Before she could find a suitable replacement, the door to the room Harry was recuperating in blew inwards as a man in a trench coat and fedora burst into the room. He was pinwheeling his arms, and seemed to be struggling to stay on his feet, which seemed to have turned into a pair of rocket propelled roller skates. To complete the comedic image, a light brown dog was wrapped around his face, clearly panicking, and unfortunately blocking his vision.

The two, shouting, crashed into the far wall in a spectacular manner.

Penny winced. "Maybe… accident prone? No, that's still not quite right-"

"Wowzers!" the man exclaimed, shooting to his feet. "Where did that MAD agent go?"

The dog facepalmed.

"Nevermind, I must have chased him off," the man declared, before turning to Harry. "Ah! You must be Harry! I'm Inspector Gadget, nice to meet you!"

A hand rose from the center of his fedora and shot forward to shake Harry's hand. Harry couldn't stop himself from grinning as he shook Gadget's hand. "Nice to meet you, sir."

"Now, I hope you don't take too long visiting, Penny," he continued. "The chief wants to see us in his office." His head stretched off of his body to lean in and whisper loudly to her, "It might be about that MAD agent I was chasing through the halls."

"Okay, Uncle Gadget," Penny agreed, trying to hide a smile.

"Well, I have to find that agent," Gadget said with a smile. "Go-go-gadget powerskates!"

His legs shot up like springs, sending him crashing into the ceiling. "Woooowzers!"

Penny and Harry both winced as he came back down.

"Let's try that again. Go-go-gadget powerskates!"

This time, the rocket powered roller skates burst from his shoes, and after an odd spin about, he was dragged feet first from the room.

"Brain, can you make sure Uncle Gadget actually makes it to the Chief's office?" Penny asked the dog.

The dog gave an odd barking affirmation and a salute before dashing back out of the room.

"I think the word I was looking for was eccentric," Penny finally decided. "Uncle Gadget is eccentric. A lot of people don't like him because of that."

"He's absolutely brilliant," Harry decided.

"Yes, some people become convinced of that, too," Penny agreed.

 **-0-**

As it turned out, the meeting in the Chief's office was to decide what to do with Harry. No one had stepped forward claiming him as their own, despite no one else being seriously injured in the accident. And with Harry's memory loss, it was looking very unlikely that they would be able to track them down, especially as his accent was clearly British.

It seemed that the best option at the moment was for Harry to stay with Gadget. After all, he could best teach the boy about adjusting to his new modifications, and Penny would be there as well to help him through any rough patches.

Chief Quimby spent several hours on the phone with HQ's British division, smoothing everything over, and ensuring everything would be nice and legal. They would keep an eye out for any signs of a missing "Harry", but with no last name to go on, there wasn't a lot of hope there.

(Plus, with the prospect of adding another cyborg to the ranks, along with the fact that Professor Von Slickstein had noted several old scars and injuries consistent with abuse meant that they wouldn't be searching very hard, and even if they did find his legal guardians, there was an excellent chance they wouldn't be getting him back.)

Harry was thrilled with the decision, and the seven year old soon found himself slipping into the odd routine that came with living with Inspector Gadget. Within a year, using the gadgets that made up most of his body had become second nature, and HQ had grown used to watching the younger boy in a dark navy fedora and trench coat trailing after the inspector. Within a few months, he had been giving his own moniker: Gadget Boy.

Penny later confided she was a bit jealous about that. "Years, _years_ of trailing after Uncle Gadget and only one guy on that side actually knows my name! I just get called 'Gadget's niece'!"

Regardless, Harry found himself and Penny getting along very well. She was incredibly intelligent, and assisted him with his homework and the like. Of course, as an official junior agent, he didn't go to a normal school, and his classes were accelerated. Penny's help was a god send.

Not everything went completely smoothly, however. Missions were dangerous, and it was easy sometimes to forget that when most of the villains you were fighting were pretty incompetent.

When Penny was fifteen and Harry ten, they got a rather nasty wake up call. On a mission to the Grand Canyon to stop Dr. Claw's men from flooding it (for some inane reason), as the MAD agents were trying to stop them, one fired a shot not at the two of them, but the rocks over their heads. Harry had managed to get out of the way because of the springs in his legs, but Penny hadn't been so lucky. One large boulder had crushed her left arm.

Harry had never found himself more furious in his life. Seeing his adoptive sister bleeding out on the ground awoke something in him he'd never felt before.

But before he could react, his adoptive uncle came from somewhere over his head, and within seconds had disabled each of the MAD agents, most of them much more severely than usual.

Inspector Gadget may have been usually slightly (really) incompetent. But _no one_ hurt his niece.

Harry turned back to the task of freeing Penny while Gadget rapidly dismantled the machines designed to flood the Grand Canyon.

Penny's arm was mangled. There was no other word for it. The boulder had been massive, and the scanner in his eye informed him that most of the bones had been more or less reduced to powder.

It was a very good thing that she was working alongside one of the most knowledgeable men in the world on the subject of advanced cybernetics.

 **-0-**

Penny ended up getting the arm and most of the shoulder replaced, but was back on her feet pretty quickly. HQ kept the fact that Penny had really "joined the Gadget family", as Von Slickstein jokingly put it, under wraps. MAD had no idea that Penny's arm was now cybernetic, and she was so used to fighting without it, she rarely used it.

And missions continued much in the way they always did.

 **-0-**

It was the day before Harry's 11th birthday when they got an interesting mission. At the time they received it, Penny was helping Harry with his advanced physics. (At HQ, school went year round.)

"So we can tell…?"

"The difference in time as he approaches light speed," Harry realized, jotting down his answer. "Thanks, Penny. That makes a lot more sense."

"Always happy to help," the sixteen year old said with a smile.

"Penny!" Gadget strode into the room excitedly, holding a flyer. "Have you seen this? People have been seeing ghosts in the London Underground!"

Brain, who had been relaxing comfortably in one of the chairs nearby, dove to hide behind Penny and Harry.

Penny frowned. "Uncle Gadget, there's no such thing as ghosts."

"I know," the inspector agreed. "I just have no idea why someone would be passing out flyers with that information in America. It must be some kind of show!"

Harry and Penny exchanged a long suffering glance.

There was a ringing sound, successfully distracting Gadget as he looked around for the source.

Penny had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. "Uncle, that's the top secret Gadget phone."

"So it is!" the man exclaimed, as he pulled an antenna from his thumb and held his hand up to his ear. "Hello? Chief, is that you? ...You're where?"

The potted plant next to the door shivered and lifted from its pot, revealing a face beneath it. "I'm right here, Gadget!"

"How long has that plant been there?" Harry whispered to Penny.

"I have no idea," she whispered back.

"Oh, Chief Quimby!" Gadget greeted, hanging up the phone by pushing the antenna back into his thumb. "What are you doing here?"

Brain, who had finally picked himself back up, let out a grumbling sigh.

"I have a mission for you, Gadget," Quimby said, handing over a blue ball.

Gadget pressed the button on the surface, activating the holographic message. "Strange ghost sightings have been reported on the London Underground. Our sources indicate MAD could be involved. Your mission is to investigate and if necessary, put a stop to it. This message will self destruct."

"London?" Harry asked excitedly. "I haven't been to England in years!"

"Maybe we can sightsee a bit after the mission," Penny agreed.

"That's a great idea, Penny!" Gadget agreed, as he shoved the self destructing message back towards the chief, ignoring his cry of protest. "I'm an expert tour guide! I've been equipped with all the latest in England GPS, maps, and recorded audio tours!"

"I wonder if I am…" Harry mused, poking at his chest. "Go-go-gadget London tour guide!"

A map of London shot from his right hand, a GPS screen displaying London shot from his left hand, and a cassette player settled at his right hip, shooting up headphones to cover his ears.

"...Sweet!"

"I'm going to go get packed," Gadget declared, walking from the room, just seconds before the holo-ball containing the mission self destructed, leaving the chief's face black with soot.

"Why do I put up with him?" moaned the long suffering man.

Harry, Brain, and Penny, all looked on in sympathy.

 **-0-**

London was quite a ways away. That was not a problem, however, for the group of four. They considered just flying with jetpacks, but Penny didn't have a jetpack in her arm, and Brain didn't have any gadgets whatsoever. There was also the idea of taking the Gadgetmobile, but it was decided that would take too long. In the end, the temperamental G-Portal was used.

The G-Portal was just as described, a portal that, with the correct coordinates could take you anywhere on the planet.

The only problem? Inspector Gadget was not known for imputing the correct coordinates.

It took visits to China, Australia, and a little shop in the Canadian outback, but they did get to London (eventually).

"I suppose this is where I came from," Harry mused, looking around the busy streets they'd emerged onto, ignoring the few stares they got from appearing from nowhere. "I don't think I've ever been to England, that I can actually remember."

"I've been a few times," Penny said cheerfully. "A couple MAD agents nearly drowned Uncle Gadget in the Thames."

Brain let out a whine.

"Hey," cried a voice behind them. "How did you just appear out of-"

A hand popped from Harry's hat, displaying his badge. "We're from WOMP, on a classified mission. That's all you need to-"

Unfortunately, Harry's highly professional deflection was overrun by Gadget's highly unprofessional manner.

"Good day, my good man! I'm Inspector Gadget, here to investigate possible MAD involvement with the ghosts sighted in the London Underground! Tell me, have you seen anything suspicious lately?"

The man blinked. "Er-"

Gadget reared back. "That's just what a MAD agent would say! You're under arrest! Go-go-gadget handcuffs!"

Brain facepalmed as a pair of handcuffs lept from the inspector's wrist to encircle the wrist of the poor man.

"What? But I'm not-"

"Uncle Gadget?" Penny asked. "Harry and I are going to go look at the subway, alright?"

"Alright," Gadget agreed. "As long as you stay away from the London Underground. There are MAD agents there, after all."

Harry and Penny exchanged a glance as their uncle returned to interrogating the other man. Penny leaned in to speak to Brain. "Keep an eye on Uncle Gadget, Brain. Harry and I are going to go get to the bottom of this."

Brain gave an affirmative bark before running around the corner, and emerging a second later in an impeccable black suit, bowler hat, cane, and mustache.

"Oh, he's good," Harry chuckled as he and Penny walked off. "Here's an entrance."

"What do you think the chances are that MAD's not actually behind it?" Penny asked, as they entered.

Harry snorted. "Like MAD's ever _not_ behind it."

 **-0-**

Three hours, a runaway train, a run in with MAD's top agent (Claw's nephew Talon, whom Penny still refused to admit she had a crush on-not that that ever stopped Harry from teasing her), and one foiled plan to create the world's largest roller coaster (that somehow would lead to world domination or something, Talon hadn't been very clear on the details and seemed more annoyed than anything else) later, Harry and Penny were ready to call it a day.

Almost.

Of course, as per usual, Gadget had taken the credit, Brain was probably injured at some point, and Penny and Harry were exhausted. However, they were in England.

"Can we see Big Ben?" Harry babbled as soon as they'd finished. "Or the London Bridge? Or- ooh, let's go to Buckingham Palace and see if Uncle Gadget can get the guards to react!"

"That would end badly," Penny pointed out. "And I'm exhausted. But maybe we could get a hotel, spend the night here, and go sightseeing in the morning?"

"A very good idea, Penny!" Gadget complimented. "One must always respect one's roots, and Harry knows hardly anything at all about England!"

"...I know some," Harry muttered, slightly embarrassed.

"Then it's settled!" Penny agreed. "Er, we should probably see about dinner, shouldn't we?"

"There's got to be a fish and chips shop somewhere around here," Harry mused, looking around. "You know, they're supposed to eat _vinegar_ on their fries?"

"It's a good thing I'm equipped with a full condiment bar, then," Gadget agreed. "Go-go-gadget ketchup!"

A hand holding a bottle of ketchup sprang from his chest. Unfortunately, the hand seemed to be squeezing the bottle a little too tightly. Everyone cried out as ketchup exploded over the group.

There was a slight pause.

"Oops," Gadget said sheepishly.

Brain groaned.

 **-0-**

Harry awoke to the sound of an owl tapping on his window.

He cracked one eye open with a groan. Jet leg had hit hard: his body was still convinced it was one in the morning.

Not bothering to get up (and still half asleep, because really, that was the only way he'd ever open a window for a bird), he reached across the room with his Gadget arm and slid the window open.

"What?" he grumbled.

The owl hooted as it flew in and dropped an envelope on his face before flying back out the open window. Harry slammed the window shut and, squinting, made out the address.

"Mr H. Potter, Bed by the Window, Room 206, Smythton Hotel, London?"

There was really only one way to react to this.

With a sigh, knowing that something like this really shouldn't be put off, Harry stood up and walked past the bed his uncle was snoring in to the door. He exited the room and crossed to the room Penny and Brain were staying in.

He knocked a couple times before a tired looking Brain answered.

"Sorry, Brain," Harry apologized. "I know it's early, and all, but I really need to talk to Penny. I think I have a stalker."

 **-0-**

"What do you mean, ' _Oh, by the way, MAGIC IS REAL'_?!" Penny shrieked at the face on the holographic monitor.

Professor Von Slickstein winced. "Er… sorry, Penny, it's just never really come up before. And it's kind of on a need to know basis."

"And you didn't think your top agents might _need to know_?!"

Von Slickstein chuckled weakly. "Penny, I don't know if you've noticed this, but your Uncle is kind of considered a security risk."

Unfortunately, that was a very good argument.

"So, you're a… wizard?" Penny asked, after a long pause.

"Yep! Graduated top of my class at the Massachusetts Institute of Technomancy! All three of you actually have quite a few space expansion charms built into your cybernetics, to assist in storing your gadgets."

"I was wondering about that…" Penny mused, studying her arm, before focusing back on Von Slickstein, eyes dangerous. "You are going to tell me absolutely everything you know about magic."

Von Slickstein gulped.

 **-0-**

The Official Unofficial Friday Night Drinking Group had basically started as a bunch of office workers who at some point realized that they were working with _Secret Agents_ and came to the conclusion that their lives were boring. The solution? Live vicariously through the stories of the agents in question!

So, one Friday night, Chief Quimby had invited Inspector Gadget down to the pub, and the other agents begged for stories in exchange for everyone chipping in to pay for his drinks.

There was only one problem. As it turned out, Gadget and alcohol were not a good mix.

Ever.

After Quimby was released from the burn ward and another, hopefully less flammable bar had been found, there was only the question of who their new sucker (ahem, _agent_ ) would be. It was Professor Von Slickstein who dragged Penny into it.

Penny had never connected well with children her age, because of both her intelligence and her tendency to go running off around the world in pursuit of her uncle. But hanging out with adults, most highly intelligent, in a relaxed setting? That was something very, _very_ cool.

Also, they gave her soda.

So Penny told stories of her uncle's cases, and everyone had fun, and eventually the Official Unofficial Friday Night Drinking Group (or the FriN DriG for short) swelled to nine regulars and another fifteen to twenty people who showed up occasionally. There would usually be between thirteen and seventeen people on any given night.

The first FriN DriG after returning from England, Penny stomped in in a mood.

"Someone get me a drink," she snapped, flopping down in her usual seat.

"One Virgin Cuba Libre," offered Daniel, a WOMP office worker who spent more time at the water cooler than in his office, yet still managed to get all his work done ahead of schedule.

"That's a coke, right?" Penny asked.

"With _lime_ ," the man agreed, sliding it over.

Penny took a long drink. "That hits the spot. I just got back from England today."

"We know _that_ ," called Elliot, a secretary in the Cryptic Intelligence Agency, or the CIA. "Come on, get to the good stuff!"

"Well, we had a mission," Penny began, before she was interrupted by Dr. Jenny Westwood, a fellow employee and former college rival of Von Slickstein, entering the bar with a disposition even more stormy than hers.

"Slick!" she shouted, stomping over to where Von Slickstein sat on a stool. "Would you like to explain to me why Gadget came into my lab today, because he'd somehow gotten it into his head that I needed help?! That was just before he incinerated all of my work on the new robotic leg! I'm being set back months!"

"Well, how am I supposed to help that?!" Slickstein shot back.

"Maybe by fixing your father's mistake, you incompetent-"

Penny tuned the shouting out, as it was nothing she hadn't heard before. The two got into a FriN DriG fight at least once a month. It was always about the same thing, and she wasn't sure what exactly that thing was.

"So, the mission was in England, and Harry turned eleven while we were there," Penny pressed on. "And he got a letter."

A massive groan went through the group.

"Damn it, GB's a magical?" complained one of the guys. "You don't think the magicals are going to try and snatch him away from us, do you?"

"They better not," Penny growled.

"They wouldn't have a leg to stand on legally anyways," Chief Quimby assured from his seat a few spots down. "Harry's now got WOMP citizenship."

"What?" Penny asked, confused.

"It's a special classification of citizenship you can only be offered if you've been working at WOMP for at least three years," Quimby explained. "Basically, Harry's a citizen of the world. So are you, come to think of it. Your uncle agreed to your legal change in your stead several years ago."

"Oh," Penny said scratching her head. "That does actually make me feel better. Thanks."

"Enough about the legal schmuck!" Dr. Knutz, the WOMP psychologist called loudly from down the table. "What are you going to do about it?"

"Well, he has to learn magic somewhere," Daniel said sagely. "He can't just expect to not have any problems with it in the future."

"Hang on," Elliot said, holding up a hand. "More importantly, did you find out GB's original last name?"

Quimby's eyes widened. "You don't think-?"

"It would fit with the same stupidly deranged luck we get all over this place," Elliot said with a shrug.

"Potter," Penny said shortly. "His last name is apparently Potter."

There was a long silence, punctuated only by Westwood and Von Slickstien still going at it.

"- _making claims you can't back up-!_ "

"- _won't even let me look-!_ "

"- _those aren't your plans-!_ "

"- _it's in the neural feedback-!_ "

"So, that complicates things," Daniel said with a grin. "In a terribly _awesome_ way."

"It might be our chance to get a foothold into the legal system of Wizarding Britain," Elliot mused. "Hey, is there anyone from the legal department here?! We should really coordinate this!"

"Yes, yes, but how is _Harry_ taking this?!" Knutz demanded loudly. She really didn't have any concept of an inside voice. Which was why she was probably the most useless psychologist in the history of ever. Which really begged the question of why WOMP even employed her.

Then again, they employed the whole of the CIA, the members of which Penny had only met a few times in passing and had no desire to ever meet again. Really, Elliot and Quimby had to be the only sensible ones of the bunch.

"He's kind of torn about the whole thing," Penny admitted. "He wants to learn more about where he came from, but is angry that they didn't say anything when we first found him."

"Backwards Britain," Elliot and Daniel sighed in unison.

Upon seeing Penny's confused expression, they hastened to explain the prejudice and stagnance found in many of the European Magical Nations, but especially Britain.

"...And so, that's why Harry should probably go to Hogwash," Daniel concluded.

"Hogwarts," Elliot corrected.

"Same difference."

"Look, if Harry is setting one foot in that messed up world, I don't want him to go alone," Penny sighed. "I just don't want to leave Uncle Gadget here on his own. Who knows what he'd get up to?"

"No, definitely don't do that," Quimby agreed with a shudder.

"You know, you could probably solve that problem if Einstein here would just uncross the wires in your uncle's frontal cortex," Jenny Westwood broke in, shoving a chair in next to Penny. "I mean, from his files, he was clearly a competent agent prior to the accident, so the judgement has to be from the implants."

"It's not from the implants!" Von Slickstein snapped, pulling a second chair over to sit on Penny's other side. "My father would have caught something like that!"

"Oh, please. I doubt your father would have noticed it without an MRI, which he probably didn't have access to at the time," Westwood bit back. She paused. "There's probably something mixed up in the Lateral Orbitofrontal, as well."

Penny pinched the bridge of her nose. "You mean, it could be something a simple as a few crossed wires that make my uncle completely incapable of completing a mission on his own?"

"Yes," Westwood agreed at the same time Von Slickstein cried, "No!"

"Do you ever agree on anything?" she asked with an exasperated sigh.

"Of course we do," Westwood frowned. "It's really just this issue. I mean, you must have noticed. We fight about it all the time."

Penny's mouth fell open. "You mean, that's what you've been arguing about all these meetings?!"

"Well, yeah," Von Slickstein agreed, looking confused. "Wasn't that kind of obvious?"

"No!" Penny took a deep breath. "Why haven't you just given my uncle an MRI to settle this?"

"I don't have 'clearance' to see your uncle's schematics," Westwood grumbled. "And Slick here won't give it to me."

"Because you're _wrong_ ," Von Slickstein snapped.

Penny's eye twitched. "Okay. Here is what we're going to do. We are going to go to HQ. We are going to call Uncle Gadget there. We are going to give him an MRI, and take a look at just the brain portion, all three of us. And we can decide how to proceed from there."

Von Slickstein was about to protest when he caught Penny's eye and realized she still hadn't totally forgiven him for the whole magic thing yet.

Also, she could be really scary when she was angry.

 **-0-**

Three hours later, and Westwood was crowing triumphantly at a baffled Von Slickstein. They immediately got into a rowdy argument over how to proceed.

It was at about this point that Penny finally passed out on one of the cots in the lab. It had been a very long day for her.

It was also probably a good thing she wasn't up to see a pretty tipsy Westwood and Von Slickstein decide that the wire thing must immediately be fixed… by them personally. There was another argument over who'd be taking the lead before a short impromptu wrestling match. Which proceeded a probably slightly (very) illegal surgery.

Which proceeded both of the doctors getting into another shouting match before they both passed out in one of the corners.

 **-0-**

Penny woke up to the smell of bacon.

She blinked blearily, trying to remember where she was before it slowly came back. She was in Von Slickstein's lab at HQ, because they were going to…

Suddenly shooting straight up, she looked over in surprise to see her uncle humming cheerfully to himself as he fried bacon and eggs on a stove that had emerged from his torso. (Space expanding charms indeed.) A toaster that had come from the side of his stomach was toasting bread. Four plates sat on one of the tables.

"Uncle Gadget?" Penny asked, more taken aback at the fact that he was actually cooking (and not completely burning anything) than anything else. "What are you doing?"

"Making breakfast, Penny," he responded cheerfully. "One egg or two?"

"One, I guess, but…"

There was a groan from the corner of the lab and Penny turned to see Von Slickstein also pulling himself into a sitting position. "Oh… _Christ_ ," he moaned, holding his head, adjusting his glasses. "What happened last night?" He looked down to find Westwood sprawled unconscious across his lap. "What the-?!"

Westwood, still mostly asleep, reached out to smack his nose, knocking his glasses askew again. "Shh…" she muttered. "Snooze…"

"Professor Von Slickstein!" Gadget called cheerfully. "One egg or two?"

"Um…" Von Slickstein looked around wildly, like a mouse caught by a cat, trying to plan an escape.

"Uncle Gadget, are you feeling okay?" Penny asked.

"I'm feeling fine, Penny," the man assured. "Much better than I have been the past several years, actually. Like a sort of fog has lifted."

"Then…" Penny took a moment to process that before turning to Von Slickstein. "Did you operate on my uncle while you were _drunk_?!"

Von Slickstein proved that even very hungover people preserved their fight or flight instincts by slipping out from under Westwood and making a run for the door. " _Ithinkthechiefiscallingformebye!_ "

His movements woke Westwood, who squawked as she hit the floor. "Son of a-!"

"Dr. Westwood…?" Penny asked dangerously.

Westwood blinked, registering where she was and what was going on. Her gaze moved from Penny to Gadget to what looked like a partially broken operating table. You didn't have to be a genius to put the pieces together.

Without a word, the woman staggered to her feet and sprinted after Von Slickstein.

"I'm sorry, Uncle Gadget," Penny said. "I had no idea they'd be operating last night. The last thing I recall was them still discussing the best ways to proceed…"

"That's perfectly fine, Penny," her uncle assured her. "Breakfast will be done in a minute, and then I think the two of us can have a _long_ talk about your old habits of following me on missions… _before_ they made you an agent."

Penny swallowed nervously.

 **-0-**

 **So that's what I have, and there are no current plans to continue it. That being said, there are a few omakes I have...**

 **Omakes:**

 **Catchphrases:**

"I need a catchphrase!" Harry announced.

"What?" Penny asked.

"Like Uncle Gadget," Harry explained. "He's always saying, 'I'm always on duty', or 'Wowzers!'. I need a catchphrase too!"

"Uh…" Penny tried to think of a way to explain this to the boy. "Harry, you don't need a catch phrase."

"But how can I become a world class secret agent without one?" Harry asked, eyes wide and confused.

"You just be very competent."

"But Uncle Gadget-"

"For all I love him, and for all he somehow gets his missions done, competent is not a word most would use to describe our uncle. So he gets a catchphrase to make up for it."

"Oh." Harry scratched his head. "But doesn't he have two catchphrases?"

"...Do the math."

"...Oh."

 **The New Professors:**

"And I would like to welcome our newest professors, who, because they also have other jobs, will be joint teaching both Muggle Studies and a new elective called Science," Dumbledore announced, gesturing. "Professor Von Slickstein, who holds doctorates in cybernetics, biology, and mechanical engineering, Professor Penny, who despite her young age, holds doctorates in cybernetics, mechanical engineering, and computer sciences, Professor Brain, who holds doctorates in chemistry and literature, and Professor Gadget, who holds a doctorate in… what was it again?"

"Pyrotechnics, with an emphasis on exothermic reactions," Gadget proclaimed proudly.

Harry face palmed.

 **Bodyguards:**

"Clearly, Harry needs someone to protect him, and none of us can be with him at all times," Penny went on.

"But Professor Penny, I don't believe the ministry can spare anyone, and all our staff is at least a busy as you," Dumbledore pointed out.

"I highly doubt that," Penny said dryly. "Regardless, it doesn't matter, as it just so happens I have a pair of highly dependable, highly ranked agents happy to take the job."

Dumbledore straightened. "You do?"

"Yes. May I introduce Fidget and Digit, the Gadgetinis?"

From behind her stepped a pair of small robots, one blue and one orange. They saluted, and the blue one spoke.

"Privates Fidget and Digit reporting for duty, sir!"

"Robots?" Dumbledore asked, surprised.

"Specially designed to not break down around magic, sir!" the blue one added.

"Don't let their size fool you," Penny said with a grin. "The Gadgetinis are highly competent agents, specially designed to keep up with people with cybernetic implants. They've travelled the globe and saved the world as we know it more than once."

"I think that's the nicest thing she's ever said about us," the orange one whispered to the blue one.

"We'll be happy to follow and protect Agent Harry, sir!" the blue one said, ignoring the orange one.

"Well, perhaps they would be a welcome protection," Dumbledore allowed. "Very well. Welcome to Hogwarts, Privates Fidget, Digit. No doubt Professor Penny will show you to your room."

"We don't have to use the fireplaces to get there, do we?" the orange one asked nervously as they walked away. "I still can't feel my stomach!"

"You're a robot," the blue one said flatly. "You don't have a stomach."

"Oh… right."

 **The Games We Play:**

Penny walked into the Great Hall to find both of the Weasley twins stripped to their underwear and hanging upside down from the ceiling. She took a moment to be impressed by the fact that who ever had done it had managed to tie the ropes to something, but she couldn't see what.

"Okay, what did you do?" she asked dryly.

Twin one shivered. "Well, we decided to play a game."

"What sort of game?" Penny asked.

"We were considering having a snowball fight, or hide and go seek," Twin two said. "And then Harry suggested tag."

"...Oh no," Penny realized.

"Well, because we're older than Harry, Ron, and Hermione, we figured that we'd make it no holds barred," Twin one admitted. "And, well…"

"We should have known something was up with how quickly Harry agreed," Twin two sighed.

"Yes, Harry's rather a fan of tag," Penny agreed. "He gets it from Uncle Gadget. I swear to God, I've never seen a more rabid tag player."

The twins exchanged a glance.

"...That would explain some things," Twin two commented.

There was the sound of an explosion outside.

"...They're shooting missiles at each other again, aren't they," Penny said. It was not a question.

The twins answered anyways. "Probably."

 **Competent!Gadget:**

 _(If Gadget were competent, right after Penny's accident.)_

"Oh, pardon me," Gadget chuckled, tripping over the door frame as he entered the store. "Can't ever seem to keep track of my feet these days."

"Oh, that's fine," the store "owner" assured with a dark grin. "Happens to everyone."

"Right, now you own this fine establishment, correct?" Gadget asked, his right hand sliding back into his sleeve to emerge with a pad of paper, and a hand popping from his hat with a pen in it, ready to take notes. "Seen anything suspicious lately?"

"Uh, you'll have to be more specific than that," the "owner" stalled, scratching his head.

Gadget leaned in close. "My name is Inspector Gadget, and I'm on a top secret mission to find MAD agents in the area. Well, that's what I'm supposed to be doing anyways. But do you know what? I'm not just looking for any MAD agent."

"What?" the man asked, confused.

"See, I have this niece," Gadget blathered on. "She's really sweet. Likes to follow me on my missions, make sure everything turns out alright. She doesn't know I know she follows me, but I think she learns more following me than she ever would in school. Experience is a wonderful teacher, you know? Only some stupid agent caused a rockslide on the last mission and put my little girl in the hospital. Lost her arm. They're going to have to replace it."

"I-is that so?" the man asked, thinking hard. It was a good thing everyone knew Gadget was completely oblivious and that he had already decided to confide in him (meaning he was in the clear). Perhaps he could turn him onto that rival he was supposed to dispose of?

"Oh, yes. Of course, you'd already know everything about that, wouldn't you?"

Before the man could move, a pair of steel arms had sprung from the usually clumsy inspector, pinning him harshly to the wall. The pen and pad had disappeared, and Gadget's eyes were unusually dark as studied the man. "Seeing as how you were the one to cause it."

"I-I'm sorry!" the agent cried. "I didn't mean to! Please, I won't do it again!"

"No," Gadget agreed, as his left hand was replaced with a large, sharp knife. "You won't."

He was usually happy to arrest the men, threatening and buffoonish as they were. But this one had hurt his Penny. And that never stood.

 **Heh heh heh… This amused me far more than it probably should have.**

 **Until next time!**


End file.
